I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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