I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
