i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
