You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
