My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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