Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
