if only i could text you this smell
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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