my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
