Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
