My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
