He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
