corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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