omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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