The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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