So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
