I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
