I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
