I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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