i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
