Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
