Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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