I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
