I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
