even my farts smell like vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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