A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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