Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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