if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
