Plan B is the new Plan A
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
