proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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