She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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