i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
