I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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