Screwed.edu
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I skipped work to stalk him.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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