I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
