Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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