she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
