My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
