the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
