her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
