I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
operation have a gay friend backfired
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
