When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
