Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
