I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
