best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
