why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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