it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
