I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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