my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
