you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
