You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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